All my life I’ve struggled with food, weight, food, weight, food, and weight, but mostly weight. I have relatively stayed the same weight since I was a senior in high school. Now, I was not a slender young lady, so don’t go thinking I am a svelte 125 or anything. In the long run, though, I guess I ended up ok! Being a dancer all my life, I’ve always been athletic-looking and busty (those aren’t from dancing — they’re purely genetic, ugh); however, I wanted to be something my body would never be — skinny. I no longer focus on that. I focus on being healthy.
Nowadays, I focus on the positives–I’m proportioned, healthy, curvy, and strong. Buuuut, I am human and fallible, and lately I feel the inner voice of criticism begin to put words into sounds. I will not allow it to consume me as it has for most of my life. (Side note–once I reallllly thought about how much I was “talking” ugly to myself, it was sad–I vowed to stop!) Praying and yoga have helped tremendously. But I just don’t feel light like I was feeling for a while.
Now, to back track a bit — in my mid to late 20s I did Weight Watchers and lost 20 pounds. I weighed the least I ever had in a long while–145. Usually, though, I fluctuate between 155-160. Now in my 30s it seems to be between 165-170. That’s just scary to me. I’ve tried WW again and again, but none of their “new” programs have responded to me. But the journaling was the most valuable thing I got from WW, aside from the 20 pound weight lost that is now a very distant memory. I cannot tell you how much I weigh today because I got on the bandwagon with one of my very inspiring friends to throw away the scale. I use my clothes as a gage, and it is quite glorious. Ahhh, not to be defined by a number! I should’ve done that a loooooong time ago because people always gasp when I tell them my weight range … according to them I don’t look it, blah, blah. But I’m feeling it. I can tell from my waist. I’ve ALWAYS had a tiny waist, but once I turned 32-ish some time ago, I started carrying more weight in that area than I ever had before. Traumatizing for me because I rely one that one thing being small — well, that and my feet — lol!! Anyway…
Enter — issue as of late…..
I feel as though I’m eating crappier than usual at times, but not enough to where I feel as though my clothes should be a bit snug. I keep jeans FOREVER — are they shrinking over time, or am I increasing?! Dunno because I don’t have a working scale! I know my body, and I know myself. I can tell as of late I need to be more focused. Focused about what to eat and what not to eat. Before the start of school, I did a Daniel Fast for three weeks because I was so inspired by my friend. I felt clean, but as soon as I stopped the fast, I felt frumpy again–not right away, but eventually. My current eating habits are Kashi cereal, raw veggies, fruit, brown rice, black beans, little bit of whole grain pasta/bread, chicken, turkey, nuts, almond milk, skim milk on occasion, one cup of coffee, tons of water, gatorade only to replenish electrolytes after hot yoga — not too far off from the Daniel Fast.
So, what’s up with my body not responding?
I almost feel guilty asking that question because there are so many other people suffering from REAL problems, but this is mine I guess. Again, I truly try to keep a voice of positivity and gratitude — but as of late I’m bothered and faltering.
I started a food journal again (literally today), and that really seems to help me avoid the silly temptations. I avoided chowing on a cupcake at lunch because I didn’t want to waste calories on that. And that, I think, is a good thing. For a while now, I’ve been able to just “eye ball” what I eat, but I may continue the journal/calorie counter for a while to move myself back to a rhythm.
Whew, that’s off my chest!
Today at yoga, I, very much spontaneously, decided to do a 60-day challenge, which consists of 45 classes in 60 days. I mathematically figured out that I was only doing yoga on average twice a week since I started hot yoga, which was shortly after Christmas. That’s not enough. I’m hoping this new focus will help boost me again on the right track.
As I’ve said before, it’s about balance. I don’t believe in deprivation because that just doesn’t work, but I do believe in moderation. Seeing exercise and food in black and white somehow makes a huge difference for me. Go figure.
Hopefully, some refocusing in all areas will help shed some poundage, and if not, as long as I’m healthy and exercising, and trying to eat right, I need to be content. I’ve been blessed with a sturdy, healthy, and proportional temple — attempting to remodel a little? Sure. But nonetheless, still happy and thankful of God because there are many who would give anything to be able to walk, move, etc.
I’ve been needing to purge all of that! Sorry that this purge-fest is my most recent post. I’ve been swamped! Hopefully, I will be posting more regularly.
Here’s to the 60-day, now very public, challenge, and refocusing!!